No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I could fuck to npr.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
