I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
