I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Nobody cheats on THIS.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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