WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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