He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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