Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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