god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Soap is not a condiment
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
