I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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