I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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