I can text with my tongue
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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