I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
