saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
