I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
