she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
