if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You have to summon your inner elephant
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
