Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
