dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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