i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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