And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tell your sister to shave her snatch
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
