I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
