I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
