Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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