apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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