He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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