my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
