i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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