John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
