I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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