never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
