i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
