my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
