she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
