why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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