She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
