You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
