Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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