I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His hands were made for my vagina.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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