There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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