plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
