If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
