I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
