have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think my moral compass just broke
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