Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
