so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
