I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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