i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
