sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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