My girlfriend figured out who you are.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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