my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
