I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
